Letting Go
Edited excerpt from: Resilient Living 2022
We’re often told that “letting go” is good for us. We need to free ourselves from everyday stresses that accumulate like barnacles on a ship, dragging us down. The US Navy estimates that heavy barnacles cause ships to burn an extra 40% more fuel than usual! I imagine there’s ta similar energy cost for us when we accumulate cognitive & emotional barnacles each day.
But letting go of the tangles that trap us can be harder than it seems– even when it’s what we want! This month’s focus is on how we can loosen our grip because that capacity directly impacts the energy we need to be resilient. We can’t be flexible, fully engaged, & expansive in our thinking when we tightly hang on to dead weight.
Resilient minds let go of what they can’t control. It’s not easy; they often rely on an assortment of tools. So, below I’m sharing findings from 2 studies + some activities to spotlight different ways we can practice letting go of the stresses that are beyond our control. Of course, we need to be able to discern what IS ours to manage, but that discussion is for another day. 😉
Brain & Body Wellness
For many people, looping thoughts, downward spiraling, or denial can get in the way of “letting go”. Two researchers recently shared a neural model that explains how comforting touch (hugging, massage, hand holding, and stroking) can help us let go of our suffering more efficiently (Shamay-Tsoory & Eisenberger, 2021).
Essentially, comforting touch alleviates physical, social, & emotional distress through a 6-stage feedback loop between two people. It works like this:
1. Physical or emotional pain activates the “distress network” in your brain.
2. Someone else recognizes this distress & empathizes (by turning their attention to it, which helps create the desire to come to your aid).
3. The empathy compels the person to reach out and touch you, to alleviate your distress. The more empathetic they are, the more soothing this touch will be (low-empathy touch attempts are often less effective because what’s most soothing to you isn’t fully considered).
4. Neurons in both of your brains become synchronized (they fire together in this shared moment).
5. This neural synchronization causes you to feel connected & understood. This makes your brain stop signaling that you’re in pain and it redirects your attention elsewhere. So, your brain literally reduces the amount of distress you’re experiencing!
6. The empathizer’s brain “reads” that your distress is reduced, which increases THEIR feelings of closeness, and activates THEIR neural reward system (these “feel good” hormones increase the odds that they’ll positively remember this moment, and be motivated to do it again).
By helping the brain reduce pain, we can more easily let go of our suffering (crying or mentally replays of unhelpful thoughts may stop).
The big idea:
When we experience emotional or physical pain, finding an empathetic person to help us with letting it go through comforting touch can avoid prolonged suffering.
AND to be a successfully empathetic responder to someone else’s distress, we need to reach out in a way that feels most supportive to them, even if it’s not what feels best to us! For example, although I’m a hugger, I know people who aren’t as soothed by it — they have personal sensitivities, cultural experiences, or past trauma that make hugs a negative experience. When we’re unsure about the most comforting touch to offer, we can always ask first (e.g., “Would a hug be helpful right now?”).
In Our World
Although it may sound like a bad thing, letting go of work can help us lower our workplace aggression and work-family conflict at home! “Psychological detachment” is often defined as not thinking about work when we’re away from it. A team of researchers explored the potential benefits of leaving work experiences behind when we’re done for the day (Demsky et al., 2014).
In a nutshell, 107 participants (85% female) completed a questionnaire about how they mentally detach from work. They (and their spouses!) answered questions about experiences of work and family conflict. Coworkers, also, reported on the degree to which study participants had experienced aggression at work (e.g., how often they initiated or received rudeness, yelling, or arguments).
The researchers found:
Less workplace aggression was reported for participants who used intentional “letting go” strategies to psychologically detach from work (more aggression at work was found for participants with weak detachment strategies).
AND better psychological detachment from work was associated with less family conflict!
About 50% of the participants were supervisors at work, which required them to set clear boundaries around when work was “done” for the day. Refraining from engagement in work-related calls and emails at home was the most common strategy they used to avoid bringing home their work worries and expectations.
The big idea:
Letting go of work stressors using psychological detachment strategies can help reduce conflict at home & work.
One clear way to prevent mental entanglements (at work OR home) from crossing over is to do something that ties our physical and mental presence together.
Whenever we mentally “multi-task” (e.g., worry, problem-solve, or plan), we divide our attention between two or more competing thoughts or feelings. We become focused on what’s in our heads, which is easy to carry over to someplace else (like from work to home, or from home to work). Mentally hanging on to this focus is not only brain taxing, but it often leads to misunderstandings, mistakes, and frustration with those around us because they’re not in our heads, too!
Try This!
Consider This!
ere are some strategies to practice letting go that I’ve adapted from the Berkeley Well-Being Institute:
-Reflect on whether you’re ready to let it go & explore what’s stopping you (identify the resistance)
-Remind yourself of silver linings & expect the best (shift into a grateful mindset)
-Journal or use another form of self-expression (to release what’s on your mind)
-Examine your expectations & notice if rigid beliefs are weighing you down (if so, loosen your grip OR lessen the standard to lighten up)
Reflect on these quotes about letting go:
“Some of us think holding on makes us strong;
but sometimes it is
letting go…”
(Hermann Hesse)
*****
“Accept yourself, love yourself, and keep moving forward.
If you want to fly, you have to give up what weighs you down.”
(Roy T. Bennett)
So, for this month, how can you practice letting go of something that weighs you down, to support your resilience? It doesn’t need to be big, just something that isn’t easy to shake off — it sticks to your brain like a barnacle, dragging down your mental best.
References
Shamay-Tsoory, S. G., & Eisenberger, N. I. (2021). Getting in touch: A neural model of comforting touch. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 130, 263-273.
Demsky, C. A., Ellis, A. M., & Fritz, C. (2014). Shrugging it off: Does psychological detachment from work mediate the relationship between workplace aggression and work-family conflict?. Journal of Occupational Health Pychology, 19(2), 195.
Consider This! quotes found @ https://www.brainyquote.com